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"What do you do with the mad that you feel? When you feel so mad, you could bite. When the whole wide world seems oh so wrong, and nothing you do seems very right. What do you do? Do you punch a bag? Do you pound some clay or some dough? Do you round up friends for a game of tag or see how fast you go? It's great to be able to stop when you've planned a thing that's wrong. And be able to do something else instead, and think this song."
My name is Steven Rose, and I get pissed off sometimes. Being mad is human, and being angry is okay. Anger brings about a laser-focus to address an issue by throwing all my power and energy at it. Great strides in society have been taken from a place of anger for things like justice and protection. Put in its proper place, anger can put people in positions to move literal mountains.
Many fantastic feats have come from actions centered in this emotion, but even more destruction. Why? All unbridled energy seems to follow the same pattern when left unchecked; chaotic destruction. Water, fire, wind, electricity all serve humanity when we channel it correctly, but if left unchanneled, floods, wildfires, tornadoes, and lightning cause devastation.
Considering anger as energy changed my perspective on how to work with it in my life. I used to just suppress it, but energy doesn't just stop. If I am closing off the route, it will only find a new way out that I didn't plan for. There are many ways to fully express anger while guiding it healthily. The following is a tool I use to transfer energy in a way that I CHOOSE, so it's not aimed at the wrong person or thing. It's an exercise I learned from a group called The Crucible Project, and it has dramatically helped me. They have a slightly different process that allows actual confrontation of the individual I might have issues with, but writing and talking through this exercise by myself can also be beneficial.
Step One: Gather data
This step is the most difficult. The job is to write what happened without judgment or interpretation of the facts. The details should be as if a camera captured the event.
For example, if I were in a fist-fight, I would be tempted to say in this step, "This fool was talking trash, then sucker-punched me," but 'fool,' 'trash,' and 'sucker punched' are all judgments.
An accurate statement without bias, judgment, or interpretation would be, "I was outside. A man communicated in a direction I was standing in. I turned towards the man communicating. The man had his right hand in a fist. As I was turning, the man's fist made contact with my left cheek."
Reading and writing events without judgment can seem silly, but when I do, I start to see how much interpretation and bias I put into events.
Step Two: State my judgments
This is where I can say or write the story I make up in my head about the event. I allow myself to interpret the scenario with total bias. What happened? Why? What type of person would do that to me? Expressing this should be like playground talk and can have name-calling, be sloppy, exaggerated, and put the other party in the worst light I can think of. The main thing is I keep doing this until it feels like my biased interpretation correctly connects with the energy I feel.
For example:
"I was walking out of the bar when this stupid fool starts talking trash to me, then sucker punches me. This coward did it because he was jealous I would take his girl. Only a ***** would surprise attack because he knows he'd lose. He's trash."
Step Three: How do I feel about this?
Does my interpretation make me feel angry? Sad? Scared? Often times there are layers to this, and it's not only one thing. I need to really identify the emotions I feel and in what layer.
For example
"I feel angry at the guy who punched me. Underneath that anger, I feel scared because I was really vulnerable. I'm also scared of him because he really hurt me. I'm also scared of my own anger and how I might hurt the wrong person from this incident."
Step Four: People are mirrors
Sometimes when I go to the doctors, they poke me in different areas and ask if it hurts. If it does, the doctor isn't the reason why it hurts, it's because there is an underlying problem that has extreme tenderness. It's the same with high energy emotions. Outside of severe trauma, the event is a trigger, not a cause. An event pressed on a tender spot in my feelings, and it's my job to uncover what inside me causes the hurt. It helps to revisit my story in Step Two and replace the person I'm angry with and see me in their place. Some other helpful questions for this:
What about judgments of this person or situation reflect on me?
What about this person shines a light on the part of me I don't like?
What is the log in my eye that I'm not seeing?
For example
"The log in my eye is I feel like a coward. I was just about knocked out, and I feel very weak. I also feel weak because I'm scared of being hurt. I judge weak people to be trash and of no value."
Identifying the log in my own eye is identifying the reason I get so much energy whenever I see or think of this person. In this case, thinking of the guy that punched me gives me the message, "I am a coward, I am weak, and I am of no value."
Step Five: What do I want?
Who do I want to be? What do I want? It's different with every situation, but a helpful hint comes from step four, and the message I am telling myself.
For example, if I am telling myself
"I am a coward, I am weak, and I am of no value" then what I really want to feel is the opposite of that: Courageous, strong, respected, and loved.
Step Six: Heal
Identifying a wound and discerning what I really want is excellent progress. It's the first milestone to re-claiming the responsibility of what is inside me. Still, the job isn't done until I address the wound. I am not going to detail how to heal because advice for me might be awful for someone else, just like medicine for me might be terrible for another. If there was anything I wish for people, it's the desire to take the stigma off of help and mental health. There are literally hundreds of resources that have helped me confront and heal the pains of my past, but by far, the most effective involved counseling, coaching, and groups of support. I do not get paid to promote these, but a couple of resources I do that might help others as a starting place to research are The Crucible Project and Bob Rourke- Limina Advisors Coaching.
After the six-step process, I might still feel the energy, but remember, the goal isn't to suppress energy, instead channel it. Using this process helped me regain the ability to choose where that energy goes vs. be a victim of my reactions. I am not perfect nor will I ever be, but I can now better direct this power in a way that serves my healing and becoming the man I desire to be.
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