Cover Photo by Porapak Apichodilok
My nephews aged 6-8 and 9 started a YouTube channel that's mostly a livestream of them playing a video game for 30+ minutes. Sometimes they will have an occasional prank video or playing outside, but it's not often. When I first heard about their goal of wanting to be YouTubers, I thought, "Aw that's cute," but didn't think much of it. It wasn't until a year later when a conversation with my nephews really changed me, and I found out they are my heroes:
"How's is YouTube going, guys?"
"Good! we are excited!"
"How many subscribers do you have?"
"Well, we have four right now," They said, bashfully and hiding the shame.
The conversation I had with them literally made me cry because it's that place I know all too well. In all my soul searching, this is the space I have come to fear most. It's where excitement and hype fade to a realization that my best isn't meeting my hopes or expectations. It happened when I was job searching. I was excited and 50+ no's later, all I was left with was hurt feelings, self-doubt, and the same responsibility of trying to find a job. It happened when I first tried to sell. I was so excited to make real money, but hundreds of no's later, all I was left with was hurt feelings, shame, and the same responsibility of needing to sell. When we are excited, the job can be challenging, but trying to do the job when we feel defeated is a different beast.
John Maxwell calls this space "The Dip," and it's where some of the most tragic times in people's lives happen. The Dip is where people lose that light in their eyes, their dream, and a low self-image is developed. It's that space where a restaurant owner has opened his establishment, and 11-months-later still sees every chair empty at dinner rush. It's the new boutique owner that has such a passion and two years later can't seem to get anyone in the store. It's the tenured YouTubers with 100+ videos but their channel has 4 subscribers. The Dip is where a child starts trading the hopes of the future for the fate of their current difficult circumstances. Kids who haven't experienced The Dip can dream so big, but adults who have experienced it refuse to let themselves hope like that again.
There is no easy answer, but learning to learn makes The Dip better. I still struggle with this on anything new I'm doing, but in my Dip moments, I see everything through the lens of "I am unloved," "I am weak," or "I am stupid."
For example
"Why didn't I get this job?"
"Because I am a weak and stupid man that no one loves."
"Why didn't anyone buy from me?"
"It's because I am a weak and stupid man that no one loves."
Imagine I bought a rental house that has a monthly overhead of $1,500 and I rent if for $1,000. That's a net loss of $500. Now imagine I turn around and do it again. How many houses would I be able to rent losing $500 a month? It depends on where I am starting. Now imagine I bought a rental house that has a monthly overhead of $1,500 and I rent if for $2,000. That's a net gain of $500. How many houses can I rent out? As much as I want. Learning can be very similar. The way to get good at anything is through a high quantity of quality repetition. If I am constantly measuring how inadequate my current results are to what I hope to be, how long can this sustain? Similar to the rental house that loses $500 a month, self-depreciation with each repetition leads to a downward cycle and I can often feel worse about myself making the repetitions less and less quality. It's very difficult to sustain. Now, imagine taking the shame out of the process and usually what's left is a sense of curiosity, discovery, and wonder. There is no failure because there is no shame, so creativity flourishes. Like the money-making house, every repetition turns into a deposit. How many reps can I do when it's life-giving?
Something I learned through professional coaching is negative messages are actually trying to serve us. They might be doing a bad job, but they want to help us get something. For example, what am I trying to get by negatively motivating myself and repeating the message, "I am weak, I am unloved, I am stupid?" For me, underneath those messages is a desire to be strong, smart and loved. When I am not making myself feel strong, smart, accepted and loved, I rely on other people to make me feel smart, strong, accepted and loved. (Hint: that never works.) Accepting the purpose of these negative messages means I can re-claim the responsibility of making myself feel intelligent, accepted and loved and not rely on others. With these sources of shame being addressed, the learning process in The Dip changes. When I don't feel shame learning something new, there is immense freedom to explore and play. This leads to fascination and fun, which leads to an exponentially increased capacity to put in the repetitions needed to get better at something.
I don't believe there is a magic bullet, but taking the shame out of learning makes The Dip a different place. I'm proud to say my nephews are two years into their YouTube journey, have made 160+ videos and gained 245 subscribers. They are the Little Nephews that could, and they are my hero's.
For those who are curious, their YouTube channel is DiamondBow.
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